Texas Bans Lab-Grown Meat, Declares “Real Meat Only” Policy Amid Growing Debate

In a move that has stunned both the culinary and scientific communities, Texas has officially banned the sale of lab-grown meat—referred to by state officials as “printed meat.” Known for its deep-rooted love of BBQ and beef, the Lone Star State has drawn a firm line, stating that lab-grown meat is no longer welcome in Texas grocery stores, restaurants, or backyard BBQs.

Governor Greg Abbott signed the “Texas Pure Meat Act” into law this week, solidifying the state’s position. “Meat should come from a cow, a pig, or something that bleeds when you shoot it,” Abbott declared, expressing his disdain for lab-grown alternatives. In his public statement, Abbott didn’t hold back: “We don’t want our food to be printed like a paper document. Texans want real meat, not some sci-fi experiment that tastes like a Xerox machine.”

While the world increasingly views lab-grown meat as a sustainable solution to environmental concerns and animal welfare, Texas has decided that this technological innovation is a step too far. The term “printed meat” has become a rallying cry for opponents, conjuring images of 3D printers churning out steaks like office memos.

State Representative Buck Thompson, the author of the bill, voiced a sentiment shared by many Texans: “We don’t eat paper, so why would we eat something that’s printed? If I can’t find the ribcage, I’m not eating it.” Thompson, who previously suggested cows should have a national holiday, added, “Meat comes from the earth. Well, it comes from animals on the earth. You can’t just whip it up in a lab and call it beef. What’s next, vegan brisket?”

Texas cattle ranchers, the backbone of the state’s identity, are celebrating the ban. Jim Bob Carter, president of the Texas Beef Association, stated, “This is a win for ranchers and meat lovers everywhere. Lab-grown meat? I don’t even know what that is. It sounds like something you’d feed a robot, not a Texan.”

Carter’s ranch, which has been in his family for six generations, takes pride in producing what he calls “God’s chosen beef.” “We’re not gonna stand by and let some lab-coat-wearing scientist replace our cows with a Petri dish,” he said during an interview, chewing on a piece of jerky that looked aged since the Civil War.

Social media has been buzzing with support for the ban, with hashtags like #NoToPrintedMeat and #RealMeatOrBust trending. One viral post from a rancher in Amarillo read, “If it didn’t moo, it ain’t for you,” capturing the essence of the public’s sentiment.

However, the ban has also sparked concerns—some of which border on the absurd. During a state senate hearing, one lawmaker questioned the safety of lab-grown meat, wondering aloud what would happen if a meat printer jammed. “If you’re printing a burger and the nozzle gets blocked, what happens then? Do you get a half-printed burger? What if it jams?” asked Senator Dale Riley, apparently misunderstanding how lab-grown food is produced. “You don’t see a cow malfunction halfway through milking,” he added.

The hearing quickly turned into a series of surreal hypothetical scenarios, with another senator suggesting that lab-grown meat could be hacked, leading to un-American flavors like tofu infiltrating the food supply.

Tech companies and scientific organizations invested in lab-grown meat have expressed their dismay at Texas’s decision. Dr. Linda Foster, CEO of Meatro, a leading producer of lab-grown beef, criticized the ban as “a rejection of science and sustainability.” Foster explained, “We’re trying to create a future where we can feed the world without destroying the planet. But sure, let’s just stick with killing cows and belching methane into the atmosphere because that’s ‘more natural.’”

Tech industry leaders also weighed in, with Elon Musk tweeting, “It’s not printed meat, it’s cultured. Big difference. Texas needs to update their software.” Musk followed up with a meme of a 3D printer ejecting a steak onto a plate, captioned: “Cow.exe has stopped working.”

Despite the backlash from the scientific community, Texas officials remain unwavering. “Let the tech billionaires have their ‘cultured’ meat,” said one state representative, “but as long as we’re in Texas, we’ll be eating meat the way God intended—by slaughtering a cow, cooking it on a grill, and devouring it like champions.”

BBQ joints across Texas have quickly embraced the ban, offering specials like “Real Meat Only” platters and selling t-shirts with slogans like “Keep It Real, Keep It Beef.” Some restaurants have even started branding themselves as “Lab-Free Zones.”

As Governor Abbott put it, “In Texas, we don’t print our food. We raise it, hunt it, and grill it.” While the state’s stance on lab-grown meat is clear, the long-term effects of this ban remain to be seen. For now, one thing is certain: if you’re looking for a printed steak, you won’t be finding it in Texas anytime soon.